Attention ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for the nightmare before Christmas that is holiday season sales. Whether it be prolonged work hours or the tormenting Christmas jingles that ring throughout the entire mall all day long, one thing is for sure: it’s an absolute hell for a mall employee. That is why for this season of giving, I’d like to ask the general public to steer far away from these holiday shopping monsters and to check for symptoms within themselves.
1. Big Mouth Bertha
Working holiday shifts shouldn’t be all that hard, but sadly it is because of Big Mouth Berthas. Big Mouth Berthas cannot seem to mind their manners and rarely use their inside voices. In fact, they use their hyper vocals to strike fear into the hearts of workers.
The Big Mouth Bertha makes sure to treat all employees without respect, going as far as arguing and belittling the employee in an effort to assert dominance. They strike at discounts and personal benefits without considering whether or not the employees serving them will get fired. Once the Big Mouth Bertha has appeased their glutton for discounted services, it shouts “I deserve better” and leaves the store or kiosk in a state of shock and confusion.
Symptoms of Big Mouth Berthitis would be cutting in line, expecting better treatment or deals without probable cause and arguing with customer service. Types of arguing include acting as if you know more about the establishment than the employee, threatening to give a bad Yelp review and asking stupid questions such as whether there is shrimp in fruit smoothies.
2. Impatient Ingrid
This holiday season monster doesn’t like to wait in lines and is sure to let everybody know about it. Complaining, whining and moaning, the Impatient Ingrid will intimidate both shoppers and employees out of their way a by huffing and puffing their disapproval every minute.
The Impatient Ingrid isn’t a shopper in a rush, but rather an individual that clearly doesn’t understand how jobs work. It also thinks it can do everything better or find another place, making sure to inform the workers that they should’ve gone to another establishment.
Symptoms of Impatient Ingritis include cutting in line, not understanding how time works and giving workers a hard time, forcing them to work even slower.
3. The Prowler
The Prowler, like any other holiday monster prowls for discounts and personal benefits, but stands out from the bunch because they are silent killers. Coming and going, they are sure to build up the anxiety in all the employees by shooting continuous dagger glares at them.
These shoppers also have a special technique to strike fear into workers; the “I’m not pleased with your service” Sharingan can leave even upper management frozen in disbelief gasping for air.
Symptoms of being a Prowler include glaring at the employees, watching their every move up close or from afar and staying way past closing time.
4. Whirlwind Wilson
Whirlwind Wilson is one of the most dangerous shopper any employee can come across. Making their way throughout the store, they leave products strewn all about in the wrong place, leaving a devastating retail catastrophe in their wake. Leaving all their trash from God knows where, the Whirlwind Wilson makes sure that the store is not only unsuitable for employee management, but also too devastated for other shoppers to be comfortable around.
Symptoms of the Whirlwind Wilsonitis include: eating and leaving your trash on the table even when there is a trash can nearby, eating like a dog, eating at the wrong place and wrong time, shoplifting and destroying property.
This holiday season, make sure to keep an eye out for these monstrous shoppers. But don’t worry, symptoms can be cured by behaving like an adult and online shopping.