This holiday season, the stars told me to give my dear family and friends something new for a change, so I’ve decided on love. That’s long and uncomfortable hugs, an ugly squeal when I greet them and the life-changing “oh, that’s great!” they’re desperate to hear. Love is the perfect present because, according to my extensive research on WikiHow, it fulfills all the rules of gift-giving.
To start, my love gives off the tone of surprise. After all, who would expect Careless Candace, who’s too busy debating whether or not to watch the one million seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy,” to appear sentimental all of a sudden? I know my friend Nikki wouldn’t! I can already imagine her startled face as she squirms away from my icy touch. Although I am well aware she’s not a fan of my awkward hugs, I live by my favorite quote: “Surprise, bitch.”—Albert Einstein, probably.
Presents must also be trendy, and giving love fits this mantra 110 percent. Just like people participating in the Mannequin Challenge—the Mona Lisa of this generation—my hugs are stiff, yet slightly shaky, and my words of encouragement aren’t moving.
Love fits gift-giving’s most important rule, too: don’t go broke. Following Cyber Monday, I need to give my credit card a serious break. I purchased $2,000 worth of must-have items from apocalypster.com, the Urban Outfitters of apocalypse gear. My order, which arrived in boxes filled with liberal bubble wrap, is coming in handy after those election results—Canada, here I come! Anyway, thank our new Lord and Savior Justin Trudeau for love. I’m simply giving each person who hasn’t subtweeted me just one free pat on the shoulder—Joe Biden style, of course—and perhaps a compliment if he or she gives me one first. Now, the only damage I’ll see on my bank statement this month will be from buying myself a new winter wardrobe. Don’t worry, though; I gave all my old clothes to Africa first to make room in my closet.
Come to think of it, I’m getting such positive vibes from this love thing that I might just give it away all year round. How about that for a #newyearsresolution?