I think I’m Buddhist. Actually, my grandma is Taoist…I think. Does that make me Taoist? I guess I should call myself an agnostic. Atheist? Honestly, I have no clue. All these terms are confusing, let alone the entire concept of religion, and for years I have struggled to identify with a single one.
I’ve never been one to argue for atheism or agnosticism for scientific reasons; I simply do not believe. Still, I wish I had a religion.
I think the idea of prayer is truly beautiful; I’ve seen friends and family turn to their god, whether it was in times of need or just happiness, and I’m jealous. I wish I believed in a god that looked out for me, that I could rely on.
This always made me feel incomplete, actually. There was a period of time in my life when I made it my mission to find a religion that suited me, whether it was Judaism or Mormonism. I even explored the Japanese concept of Shinto (which didn’t work out, because I could not convince myself that the tree in my backyard actually contained the essence of kami). I was desperate to find something. It wasn’t about fitting in; it was about finally having something greater, or rather, someone greater, to depend on. I wanted a religion to dictate my way of life and tell me what was good and bad.
As one might guess, I failed this mission. There was no religion that seemed right for me, partially because I did not like the idea of having “rules” in my life simply so that I could worship a higher power. Of course, I was disappointed in myself, but I later realized that it was okay to not have a religion. I have my own ideas of what (or who) is out there that don’t exactly coincide with any specific belief, and that’s fine. So why was I so desperate to believe in a god?
I think, though I’m still not sure, that without believing that a god was there for me, I felt alone. I had no one to turn to. Maybe with a god I would feel like life had more of a purpose.
I don’t know if there is a belief that fits me, but I know what I personally believe in, and that’s all that matters. I might not have a higher power to depend on, but I can learn to depend on myself. I can find my own purpose. I still respect those with religion the same way; the only difference is that I see that it’s just as beautiful to dictate life by myself.